it has been a long time since i wrote anything, and i can't promise i will start again now, but...
even though probably no one reads the journals here, i felt like writing one so 'no one' would know why i've been absent for so long...
I'll start with right now. right now i am in the IDF, i am a corporal, but i have my own soldiers who are under my command and i take care of when they need me, i am now nearly 21 years old, and it feels like my life is falling apart...
i don't fight with my parents, but i feel like i'm acting 24/7 when i am with them. i feel like money and semantics are all they care about, and that they probably won't be there in my future because i feel so different and invalid when i am with them.
i rarely see my best friends, and i always want to call them and say 'i miss you', 'i feel like our friendship is falling apart', and 'i don't want to lose you'... but i always chicken out, and when they answer and ask how i am i say 'i'm good, how are you?' because i don't know how to ask them to talk to me more, and i don't feel like i have the right to ask them for that.
so now i'll talk about why it all got so bad...
when i did my leadership program right after school, i started realizing that some stuff in my life just weren't like other normal girls. i was never really girly, but i played along for my parents sake, because i wanted to make them proud. then i played along to society's sake because i didn't want to be an outcast. i just wanted to be loved for who i am, and it seems like i've been bottling up these feelings since i was a small kid, but never really knew it.
then i met who now is my best friend, Shanee. she liked me with all the stupid quirks i had and let me be myself around her. she shows me all the bands i was shortly after obsessed with, like mcfly, simple plan, sum 41, and even talked me into watching that movie called 'star trek' which later on grew to be my most favorite franchise and still is. together we started writing fanfiction, and i've never had to experience writers-block, because she was my muse and always gave me ideas and helped me solve problems. and for a time, i was happy.
even before i met Shanee, I've always liked slash. that much was obvious, what with all the sasunaru shipping- lol, good times- and i was never really interested in herto relationships, but since i was one i never really saw the difference. well, not until i got older and sex started to be part of the whole thing. freshman year in high school i fell in love with this guy, and continued to love him for three years, but we never got together. i just wasn't his type. but the thing that surprised me was that when i thought about him sexually, i didn't think about him with me, i thought about him with another guy, that was supposed to be me. basically i saw myself as a guy in my fantasies.
i didn't really think much about it, because i just thought 'okay, i love two guys together when i read fanfiction, it's only logical to enjoy the fantasy in real life, right?' so i didn't really think much of it, and shoved that thought to the back of my head.
i recall now that somewhere along that year i also talked to someone and -i can't remember the context, but - i said that i should have been born a guy, a gay guy, and not a woman. i just said it nonchalantly, and didn't even start to think that there are other people like that, that there is even such a thing, someone who feels like they were born in the wrong body...
so when i was 18, and i wanted to get some sexual experience, but just couldn't because it felt so wrong, i knew something wasn't quite right. i loved men, there was no doubt about it. i did get turn on by guys, but when it came to them touching me i shied away, but not because their touch was unwelcome, but because it didn't quite feel right. my body didn't feel right. and i didn't understand it. at all. so i did what everyone in our leadership program did when they didn't understand something; go on a computer and research the hell out of it.
i looked around a bit, trying random stuff, but not really getting anywhere, because i didn't know exactly how to describe what i was feeling. a few days later though, a thought occurred to me, and i decided to search gender disorder, and for the first time really read about transgenders. i knew the term before, but i didn't really know what it meant. and it sounded too much like what i was experiencing, and i got scared and just closed all the tabs.
then of course i pondered that idea for the next month, trying to figure out what the hell i was feeling. and then came the denial phase. i tried so hard to convince myself i was someone i wasn't. i taught myself how to use makeup, and wore dresses, and skirts and started talking more girly, i didn't go anywhere near fanfiction or daviandart, thinking reading fanfiction was probably not helping, and tried dating this guy i met at Icon (a sci-fi/fantasy festival. what, i was still a geek...) and then when it didn't work out i tried dating a guy from my leadership program, until i said something to myself one day and it was like a bucket of iced water falling on my head. i didn't recognize myself, and i realized i hadn't seen Shanee in over three months ( during high school there wasn't a day we didn't talk for at least four hours). i felt lost, and cried to my teachers that i had to go right the fuck now home to see my best friend. because i just had to see her so she could make me feel like myself again. i needed her to help me find myself again. in the end they let me go, and i was so happy to see her i started crying. we laughed and talked into the night and watched mcfly vids and even read some stuff on fanfiction, and i felt at home. we promised we'd never go so long without talking to eachother again.
after i went back, i couldn't ignore these feelings i had any longer. i didn't want to go back to not being myself again.
i remember looking myself in the mirror and using the same metaphor i did before i went into denial; 'if the angel Gabriel came and landed right in front of me and asked me- with a flick of my fingers i can make you into a guy, do you want to?- what would i answer?' and this time, i took a deep breath and let that small voice in my head scream that 'YES' he so desperately wanted to for so long, and i have silenced for so long.
i couldn't stay in denial anymore. i knew i wanted to be a man more than anything, and i cried myself to sleep that night, because i just didn't want that to be true. i wanted so bad to be able to be that girly-girl my mom wanted me to be, to not die inside every time my dad said 'there's my beautiful girl'. i just wanted to be normal. but i guess that i just never was, and i didn't let myself see it because i wanted to please others so damn much.
i kept it in, though. i still wasn't ready to tell anyone, because it was all so new to me as well.
the first people i told where my friends from the leadership program. i told them at the very last week, and they were so supportive, i felt at cloud nine.
but then we each went our separate ways, and there was this buffer between the program and enlisting, and i tried to figure out who i really was. i didn't tell anyone else, because i was scared. and it's always the most frightening to tell those you love the most. it wasn't so hard. it was just the beginning of the journey, and i still had strength.
but then i enlisted, and things were much more complicated...
the army is tough as it is, what with the first weeks being in booth-camp, away from home, away from your parent for long periods of time, suddenly you have to ask permission for everything, and you have a command crew above you and they can take away your free time if you don't behave and punish you with chores or pushups or running and generally you feel awful. for me it wasn't that much of a shock because of the leadership program that also got me ready and help me build the mental stability to not be fazed by all these things, but the difference between men and women was so prominent, it felt like a whiplash.
it was at this point i decided i would tell Shanee, because i really needed her, but up until that point i was really stressed out and scared i'll lose my best friend, but in true Shanee fashion, her only replay was 'okay. now can we go get ice cream?' i started laughing and thought to myself, 'thank god, she still loved me no matter what.'
when i was in the course we did to get into the command track and become squad captains, i started to feel really alone, and all of it started to get to me, all the pretending to be someone i'm not, having to act a certain way 24/7, because i refused to come out of the closet. and so after the second week i told my commanding officer. she was just incredible. so understanding, it blew my mind away. it was still one of my first times trying to talk about that subject, and i stumbled over the words, so she filled them in and i saw that she just GOT ME. i was so happy, because the strain was getting really bad, and telling her helped.
i don't really remember which week it was, but i fought with my parents one day, and my dad asked me what was wrong with me, and i just couldn't hide it anymore. i hid it for nearly two years and i have had it. so i told them, crying all the while. my dad tried to be supportive and show interest, but i can't even remember where my mom was, she didn't sit down with us, and i think she was walking around cleaning stuff. she just ignored the whole thing.
a week later she still insisted to ignore it, and we fought because i wanted to go see a friend but she insisted 'if he wants to meet you he should drive here not the other way around, it's not a girls job to run after a guy'. i was really hurt, because it wasn't even like that and she still refused to acknowledge the fact that, no, mom, i don't see myself as a girl, don't you get it??
i called my dad and talked to him about it, and he said that mom had no say whether i would go to him of the other way around, that i was nineteen and old enough to take a bus by myself to see a friend. but on the other hand, when i told him it hurt me more because she still insists i'm a girl, he said 'i think you don't really mean it. i think you're just looking for drama'.
and that really hurt. i never spoke to them about it since, and gone completely back into the closet. it was easier, just to ignore that elephant.
throughout the course, it got worse and worse, every time i would try to take my commanding officer aside and talk to her, but we still had a schedule to follow, and i didn't want to bother her so much. but one day it got really bad. to the point i was contemplating suicide. but i didn't, because i didn't want to put my family through such a loss. and i kept thinking about my grandparents, and the smiles that lit up their faces each time they saw me and i just couldn't do that to them. i felt like shit and i just wanted it all to end, to bury myself into my sleeping bad and never come out. and she took me aside, and talked to me for nearly three hours. she told me exactly what i needed to hear, and helped me calm down and try to look forward and gave me some hope. i still had a couple of episodes like that, but each time she'd calm me down. i pretty much owe her my life at least six times over. together with her help, i told my whole unit, and they were really supportive, and joked with me about it and were there for me when i needed cheering up. and finally i had a place where i could just be myself.
she got me through the course, and now i am a commanding officer myself, with soldiers under my command and friends who know of what i am going through, even if just a small number of them.
it's still hard, because i still need to pretend when i'm at home, and not everyone at my new base knows, but it's easier than before.
the one thing i do regret though, is that when i look at things i wrote back in high school- journals on deviantart and fanfiction in general, i can see how carefree, how happy i was back then, and i miss it. i feel like i am 20 years older, instead of 3, and i wish i could go back to be that hyperactive girl who didn't give a shit what others said and jumped in the rain just for the hell of it. i wish i could go back to being bold and cheeky and write with my best friend, and not dread the next time i'll feel like i'm completely alone...